


It's never enough for you

by thermal_equilibrium



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Angst, Drabble, Emotional Infidelity, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 12:50:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4305753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thermal_equilibrium/pseuds/thermal_equilibrium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You try to tell yourself that whatever love he can give you will be enough, though you know it's a lie. Or the one where Sirius takes what he can, even if it's not his to take.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's never enough for you

**Author's Note:**

> This is written in second person Sirius' POV. If you see any errors, feel free to let me know! 
> 
> Warning: Lily is not necessarily ooc, since she is not really in the story, but her absence is a characterization within itself. Because this is told from Sirius' perspective, he has biases that I as the author do not personally have.

It should have been, it should have been enough. For a while you thought it would be. You thought that the sidelong looks and the casual touches would have been enough. You stood up there and watched him pledge his love to another and told yourself that his leftover affection, the scraps of his _true_ love affair under the table, would have been enough.  


You almost got used to it, but then he had to strike again. Giving someone what they desired so desperately could never have been so cruel. The glances became fond looks, and the touches became soft caresses.  


Whenever she was out he’d invite you over and you’d lie on the couch together. A movie would flash in the background, but the bright glow of the television wouldn’t shine as bright as he would, even in the dark. Sometimes he’d stroke your hair and you’d nestle close into his chest, the only comfort you’d really had all of those years.

And then, all of a sudden, there was Harry. Bright and innocent Harry. He glowed just like his father did, shining eyes in the darkness. Your godson, a life you were responsible for, even if by a degree of separation. He was a glowing bundle of potential energy, an entire being wrapped up in a single blanket.

Harry grew and you grew beside him, perhaps taking your role a tad too seriously. James didn’t seem to mind. There was a look that he would give you, when Harry was sleeping on your lap or clinging to your chest. It was a look of absolute devotion and appreciation that made your heart flutter and your brain forget that this adventure of parenthood with him wasn’t yours. You thought those looks could have kept you satisfied for the rest of time.  


But it wasn’t enough. One weekend changed it all, one tantalizing weekend of what you could never have. Lily was going to a conference in Dublin. James was never able to manage alone, so he asked you to come help take care of Harry. Both of you knew you were there to help take care of him too.

You settled in so quickly, slipping into his life like it was meant just for you. It was only two days, but it could have been forever. Sitting at the dinner table, with Harry in his high chair, poking clumsily at his cooked carrots. James leaning back in his seat, an infectious grin splattered on his face and his unyielding hair in his eyes. Tucking Harry into his crib with a kiss on the head, taking in the fragile smell. Laughing with James into the comforting quiet that is only felt after a small child finally gets to sleep. Loading the dishwasher side by side, the silence soothing and peaceful. Everything glowed a warm red, consolingly domestic and soft. You were blissfully content, drunk on the cozy atmosphere and the fire in his eyes.

You’d put your things in the guest bedroom, but James and you had an unspoken agreement that that was not where you’d be sleeping. You climbed into his bed, the sheets heavy and smooth. You could feel the heat of his body at the other end slowly creeping closer as a warm pair feet suddenly came into contact with yours. You fell asleep like that, with the touch of his feet intertwined with yours. The rest of your bodies remained apart all through the night.

Lily returned, and you went back home. The meaning of that word, though, was quickly slipping, your bare apartment undeserving of its comforting connotation. The heating had gone out while you were gone, so you wrapped yourself in blankets and wished James was there to start a fire in your heart like his presence always did.

But that weekend was only the beginning. Lily was commuting for long periods of time regularly now, and you were becoming more and more of a regular presence in James’ home. You’d always visited often, but this was different. For those few days, those flashes of “could have been”s, you weren’t a visitor; you were part of a family.

You really were. Some weekends, you and James would stay at the house, playing with Harry and attempting elaborate meals in the kitchen. Other times, the three of you would go out to see a film, or to the zoo. Harry seemed to particularly enjoy the reptile house and would peer curiously at each glass wall. You loved watching the child-like wonder in his bright eyes, and could tell James did too, if the way he’d catch your eye and grin was anything to go on.  


The wolves were particularly fascinating. You’d learned about the lone wolf, stalking it’s prey solo, stark and solitary. The plaque outside the enclosure helpfully informed him that most of the time, wolves hunt in packs. You take comfort in this, glancing back at James juggling both Harry and a large ice cream cone in his hands. He was prodding the cone in Harry’s direction, who tentatively took a bite, somehow managing to get the chocolatey goodness all over his face. You shake your head and get the emergency napkins out of your backpack, taking Harry out of James’ arms and wiping his small mouth as he squeezed his eyes in protest. You tossed the napkin to James, making sure to balance the weight of the Harry with his other arm, who caught it and passed it into the trashcan beside him.

Time continued on in this way, and soon Harry was going to his first day of preschool. You could tell that James didn’t know if he was scared or relieved that his parental duties were no longer going to be 24/7. During the days when Lily was gone and Harry was learning how to conform to the lines of coloring books, James and you would go into town together. Sometimes you forgot how young you were, how quickly James decided to settle after school. You try to avoid the subject of regret.  


People mistake the two of you for a couple a lot. By the time Harry had gotten halfway through his first year of preschool, you had perfected the “no, he’s actually my godson” and the “yes I’m gay, but he’s not” speeches. There were a couple mothers at the drop off who were the worst. You understood that it was a weird situation, but it wasn’t their business.  


You tried to avoid Lily as much as you could, though you were well aware that she probably knew you were living in her house more than she was. That you knew your way around her kitchen better than she did. That her bed was more yours than hers. That James and Harry were–

You knew you should be ashamed. That these were not your things to have. But you weren’t, because it was her fault for leaving it all behind. It was her fault for leaving gaps behind. That’s not to say that women must choose a family or a career. She could have had both. You were only filling in the cracks she left.

And now you had so much. You had a home, a child, and warm happy memories. You had most of James, too. You had his silly smile on hot afternoons. You had the way he’d shake his head to get the hair out of his eyes when his hands were occupied. You had his coarse voice when he tried to sing along to the radio.

It was everything you’d wanted, but it still wasn’t enough. You could keep living like this, quite happily, but as long as James fire is stolen energy it will never be enough for you.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this short drabble, comment and leave kudos. If you didn't, comment and leave kudos. Tell me if you'd like to see snapshots within this timeline, maybe fluffy ones? Or perhaps James' side of the story? I've got a lot of ideas in this universe.


End file.
